I was driving home from Staples this week feeling rather deflated. Overwhelmed. Worried. Defeated. All those feelings you should hand over to Him, I was carrying.
I have a thing about control. I like to have it. Having only recently moved to a new state, renting a home, being so far away from family and dear friends has made for a very unpredictable and uncertain year. Navigating a new town and new people is scary hard. I have no idea what I’m doing, all I know is that I am moving in the direction of the magnetic pull. I’ve made a choice to surrender to that soft whisper on my heart and live this radical adventurous life.
Radical – life – living is hella scary.
Some days I want to pack my family up again and go back “home” to Texas. Our house is still on the market there so running back to a comfortable life is soooo enticing. Getting to see my foster daughters regularly and hug and kiss them, smelling my Mama’s homemade tortillas as they fill the rooms of our old home, watching Hallmark movies with my sister, dropping my kiddos off for Sundays with Mimi,…. I miss the comforts of “home” something fierce.
But I’m an adult. I’m a mom and I have little eyes that watch my every move. As much as I would love for them to come running back to me every single time they feel afraid or sad; my Mama heart knows it would do them more harm than good. I don’t want to teach my kids to run away from the discomfort. They would spend a lifetime running if that was the case.
I want to teach them to sit still. To feel. To lean into the discomfort. To know that it is okay to give these feelings and thoughts a space to exist. And to fully process the feelings out of their system.
The last thing I want to do is watch my kids be uncomfortable. It gives me creepy crawly feelings, it’s turns my stomach into knots, and it breaks my heart. It’s uncomfortable for me to watch them be uncomfortable.
“But God doesn’t call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn’t come through.”
― Francis Chan
I’ve surrendered to the fact that I will forever grapple with this. I have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. It’s the only way my children can grow. It’s the only way I can grow.
This is life right?. . . . Beautiful, Messy. Crazy.
“A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there.”
As I’ve resigned myself to the fact that life will get complicated and that I have to feel all the feelings, I’ve felt more freedom. Less guilt. So I find myself being more forgiving of myself and my imperfections as a mom. I’m finding grace and giving myself the freedom to accept it. I am giving myself some grace these days.
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound.
Let me be clear about what I mean by “grace”. It isn’t a word I throw out there willy-nilly. I am a follower of Jesus. I love God. As a true worshipper of Christ, I know we don’t have the power to fully pardon ourselves. Grace without discipleship is cheap grace.
“Cheap grace is the grace we bestow on ourselves. Cheap grace is the preaching of forgiveness without requiring repentance…cheap grace is grace without discipleship, grace without the cross, grace without Jesus Christ, living and incarnate.” – Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Cost of Discipleship
Truly giving yourself grace isn’t really about giving anything to yourself.
It’s about giving everything to Him. It’s about opening yourself up to His grace, and then fully accepting it.
Everybody tells you to lean in. Be still. Often times they forget to disclose to you that it won’t be easy. They also don’t tell you that it will never get easier. No matter how many times you do it. Or feel it. It will never get easier.
The good news is, they also don’t tell you that it will be worth it. Because God is good.
God is Always Good.
And because God is always good He can be trusted.
May we rest easy in knowing that.